Men are weird.
I know they say the same about us women, but dayum…
I work in an all male environment. I get to see these creatures "In the wild" so to speak.
Here are some things I've observed:
- There is no pretense of being civilized.
- The male of the species does not grow up beyond the age of about 12-14.
- Anything that makes a rude noise is great.
- Making rude noises is also brilliant. This includes farting and burping.
- Saying dirty words and immediately apologizing to the only female in the room allegedly negates the dirty word.
- Any accident is greeted with raucous laughter — never mind the person who fell down the stairs is writhing at the bottom in agony.
- Milk is only good if just opened. Even if you just opened the other carton/bottle, the male must open another one. I believe it is some kind of ritual thing.
- Do not come between a man and his food. You will be mangled.
- All of them are deadly flirts, the second they want something.
- A female's value is directly proportional to the amount of coffee she makes.
- All kids toys are fair game, and completely hilarious when used out of context to convey anything rude.
- When a female is in the bathroom for any length of time, it is because she's female, and no matter how long she takes, it will be too long.
- When a male is in the bathroom for any length of time, it is because a man has to adhere to his grooming routine — regardless of the female hopping up and down outside because she really desperately has to pee. "Just hold it."
- It's absolutely hilarious to be stuck in a traffic jam with a female needing to pee, while they make "Water noises".
- Setting off all alarm clocks or egg timers at a supermarket is a rite of passage.
- There are man hugs. They are different from regular hugs.
- Nothing ruins a sports car faster than a woman proclaiming she wants one. Even worse, if she actually owns one and drives it, it will be forever ruined for any man, because it is now a "Girly Car".
- Man flu is completely different to any other flu. Not only is it usually fatal, but the only cure is complete female subservience. Women cannot get Man Flu, but they may be carriers.
- It is never the man's fault. They are born with a "Not my fault" gene. If it went terribly wrong, it is something the female did.
Men can fix anything. Even if it is more broken afterward than it ever was to begin with, it is now fixed and better. The reason the tap now drizzles instead of drips is because it was designed to do that.
They really have not evolved far beyond those original caves.
I could continue. I have observed many behavioral oddities, but they are too numerous to list. I recommend studying the creature in its natural habitat (a bar, the football grounds etc.) while interacting with other creatures.
You need to do this with some care though, they get suspicious very easily and will withdraw as soon as they suspect they are being observed.
Bring a notebook, goggles, tape recorder and a bottle of whiskey. (For you, not for them. You'll need a fortifying drink before you're done.)